The Yaxis Live by Rajesh Kumar

Buying behaviour can be crazy and difficult to comprehend.Look at this one.The fat lady was uttering frighteningly within my earshot,” This Patiala wasn’t good. I want a larger one“. The guy serving her was stunned, and all he could mumble was,”This was the best we have sold. We will see how we can make it better”. Then he vanished behind the counter only to return after five minutes with another stack of salwar suits- yes, you guessed it, yet more Patialas.

Till I went to shop with my wife this Dussehra, I erroneously believed that large Patialas represent a serving of a certain type of liquid, which only the connoisseurs could partake in the company of their best friends. Neither did I know how happy a shopping experience could be, for a husband, when the wife is busy buying dresses. I never knew ladies stores have become so advanced, that they have figured out the need and the mantra to keep the man happily engaged, while the wife keeps on telling the shop attendants, “Not this one, show me something better”. Till they figure out that something better.

In my house, the keyword ‘Shopping’ is reserved only for occasions when my wife has to buy dresses. When the dresses in question happen to be mine, the terminology is ‘pick up’. Like this one, “Can you please pick your trousers in the evening while returning home?”. The semantic purely represents the time spent in stepping in and out, since it is only a few minutes between my entry, purchase, billing and exit. It takes a cube ( 6X6X6 =216 minutes or 3 hour and 36 minutes) of that time when my wife steps into the shop. I also remain quite curious, why after 3 hour and 36 minutes my wife is unable to find a single dress to her liking(they don’t have anything), when in six minutes flat, I generally succeed in buying a pair. But as I may point out, if all things were known, the Nobel committee would not be able to award discoveries year after year.

Back to this Dussehra shopping.

So there are nice chairs for folks like me to sit, and a flat panel TV nailed to the wall, which is tuned to a sports channel running cricket reruns of India’s Twenty20 World Cup win. Wow, what a treat. And by the way, what a neat arrangement for the shop, both the man and the wife remain busy with their favourite past times and the shop cash register keeps running. Some understanding of buying behaviour these guys have. And as you would appreciate, it is evolving. Perhaps next time when I come here, their would be a bank of computers, connected to high speed internet, free to use for those who came with a wife . A computer and mobile accessories shop in a corner of the same floor would be an awesome value add. And if there are car salesmen showing off the latest launches and offering trials, it would be a complete shopping experience. Call this area Husband Pen if you like. Call it whatever.

Somehow I felt this time around, my wife’s shopping got over too soon. I am trying to make it better for myself by giving a surprise to my wife. Yes, I am going to give a surprise of her life to my wife soon by asking, “Shall we go shopping for Diwali?”

Voice & Data reports that a furniture store in South Africa till recently used to lock up its employees in the workshop so that they focus on their work. Nothing too much till you realize that the workshop did not have appropriate rest room facilities so when the workers needed to go to the rest room, they had to send in their p-petition to their managers via SMS, who would come and unlock them. That gives rise to the horrendous possibilities:

1. Imagine worker X ‘s phone has weak network coverage.
2. Worker Y ran of his phone’s pre-paid charge, now how does he discharge?
3. S’pose worker Z’s phone battery drains out – now how will he!

However, all this will pale, if you think the possibilities if the manager’s phone suffers from any of the above. What a blast.

PS: The govt moved in to stop this, naturally.

(Of late I have been receiving incessant emails from ‘children’ and ‘widows’ of former presidents of some countries in other geographies, who require my business advice, acumen and assistance in salvaging the treasure which the late dictator bequeathed upon them..My response to them, once and for all , is below)

Dear Great Grandson of Dr Laboomba,

I am in receipt of your email dated 6th October containing the urgent and confidential business proposal worth a sum of dollars 10,00,000. I am also in receipt of a kind email from your great grand mother indicating the importance of the international business proposal that you wish to pursue with my humble self. However, I am not exactly sure if the said wife of the late Dr Laboomba is your exact great grandmother. After all, your great grandfather, the late Dr Laboomba was a rather prolific specimen of mankind, and traces of his combination of x-y chromosomes is found in the genome structure of children who came from twenty-three mothers, which includes a mother daughter combination. As you can see, I am in deep understanding of the filial wires of the great clan of late Dr Laboomba, who was the former president of the Peoples’ Republic of Laboombapala.

My assistant just brought me the history of Laboombapala, wherein, I gather that the late Dr Laboomba, in each of his twenty three years in presidency, had instituted the presidential tradition of the a marriage, wherein he gave his folks a fitting party at the expense of the state exchequer. The gifts brought in by the guests were not mandatory, and the red handkerchief given to each on of them with the state seal was the identifier that the responsible citizen has contributed befittingly to the presidential cause, and hence could be invited to the next year’s marriage party. Those who did not the red handkerchief where identified at the exit gate and sent for Honululu, which I understand is an innovative way of guest disposal in the tribe of Lingapala, to which the great late Dr Laboombapala belonged.

Therefore I understand that the Governor of the State Bank of Laboomba, who upon Honululu-ed, took with him the details of the treasure that your great grandfather entrusted upon him, which as per your kind email is saved in the safe custody of Swiss vaults. I am also of further understanding of your business proposal, which calls for a half-half division of the Great Treasure, which I further understand from your email, only I can facilitate. My assistant, who is a graduate of international history, also reminds me that the night of his 23rd marriage, your great grandfather suffered a mysterious medical affliction, to which he could never recover, and lived for exactly eighteen more days and no more.

The new ruler of Laboomba, the son of the third wife of the husband of your great grandmother, Laboombapalapala, I am able to appreciate from your email, is not business savvy of international stature such as yourself, and believes that the holy spirit of Lingapala would ensure that he would better the record of his father, the great Dr Lingapala by achieving atleast 40 marriages.

I understand you want to wire transfer the amount to my personal account through your contacts in Swiss Banking industry, after which I shall get my share of 5 MN and the remaining 5 MN shall be rightfully taken by your kind self. I am quite in agreement with this idea, which to me is not unacceptable, though the sum, though it may appear quite liberal, does not appeal to me quite much, given that currency specified is Lingapala dollar, which is trading 934 to 1 with respect to the Japanese Yen.

Further, as in a matter of disclosure in matters of business pursued with trusted friends such as your esteemed self, I am in also in receipt of a email of business proposal from the son-in-law of the dictator of your neighbourhood republic of Lapasa, who upon defection to a third country, needs similar help in arrangements to ensure the transfer of his treasure through some trusted friend like me. Only that the amount in this case is USD 100,000 which translates to a cool amount of Rs 4,00,000 at today’s conversion rates, unlike your case, which at today’s conversion rates, translates to a grand sum of Rs 176, which will allow me to pay the cable TV bill for my house for exactly one month.

It is for this reason that I respectfully decline your business proposal. Hail the spirit of late Dr Laboombapala!

Sincerely

RK